


[S] Valentine Brothers: Ascend

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing, Homestuck
Genre: Crossover, Gen, jan and luke go god tier that's it that's the whole story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27221923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: God Tiering is a huge pain in the ass, and that's really all there is to say on the matter.
Kudos: 2





	[S] Valentine Brothers: Ascend

**Author's Note:**

> Today I offer content that appeals to me and maybe one other person. Tomorrow? Probably the same 
> 
> Honestly though, I've put an insane amount of thought into my Hellsing/Homestuck AU so I decided, instead of letting it fester in my brain like some sort of worm, I'd write some of it out. If I got some detail about how god tiering works wrong then please be patient with me, I haven't reread HS in ages
> 
> All of the typos Jan makes are real typos made by me not looking @ my keyboard while typing, cause I wanted them to seem realistic  
> Also PLEASE forgive me, I don't know how to do the thing to make what you write look like an actual pesterlog. Just pretend the text is all colored and cool okay  
> Semi-related, but when I first read Homestuck I didn't understand why the pesterlogs were... like that. Why a lot of em would just keep going on and on and on. But after writing this, I Get It. It really do just be like that

Jan was currently wandering around his brother's land. Land of Clarity and whatever the fuck, who cares? 

Luke's land was pretty boring, honestly. Which made sense, Jan supposed. This game generated lands that suited its players. Of course Luke would end up with one that's super orderly and controlled where nothing fun ever happens. 

Wait, that sounded like an insult toward Luke. Luke wasn't boring or anything. He was just responsible, and thought through things before doing them, and enjoyed structure and... Okay yeah, maybe Luke was kinda boring. 

Nothing wrong with that, though. Not everyone could be fun and interesting. Luke was still cool, regardless. In his own way.

Jan wasn't just exploring his bro's land to talk shit, though. He was there for a reason.

Or rather, they were there for a reason. Luke was there too.

They were looking for the quest bed, so that Luke could could go god tier.

At first, Jan had been really excited to help his brother with this. It had sounded like fun. Going on an epic quest together so one of them could basically become immortal? What could be more badass than that?

If Jan had known it would be this tedious though, then he never would've agreed to it.

It was just a whole lot of walking. And talking to consorts. Just walking in circles and talking til they were blue in the face.

It wouldn't have been so bad if the consorts were actually, you know, helpful. 

But, they weren't. They were useless amphibian pieces of shit. They either talked in batshit riddles, or responded with something completely unrelated to what was said to them, while Luke and Jan were left to try and decipher what the fuck they meant.

Some of them would go on about 'the maid'. Saying shit like "the maid is going to save us all" or talking about how they couldn't wait to meet the maid. They never seemed to recognize that Luke was the savior they were raving about, treating him like he wasn't important at all.

So yeah, the consorts were just a huge waste of time. The thing that really got to Jan though, was how Luke didn't seem to realize how awful they were. Not just that, he seemed oblivious to how terrible this quest was in general. He insisted on talking to every fucking consort they came across, as if anything they said had been useful so far. Whenever Jan complained, Luke would completely shut him down, reassuring him that with how long they'd been at it they had to be getting close to their goal.

That had put Jan's mind at ease the first few times. But when they'd been wandering for hours with seemingly no progress, and Luke was saying it for what had to be the hundredth fucking time, it kind of lost its impact.

Jan was honestly tempted to just say fuck it and leave. Go back to his own land and let Luke finish this stupid godquest on his own. The only problem with that was that he had no idea where they were, and probably couldn't get back without Luke's help. So, he was stuck here.

Maybe he should've paid attention to where they were going. This place wasn't overly complicated, with a little observation it shouldn't have been hard to remember the way they came. 

He hadn't thought that would be necessary, though. He'd assumed this would take like an hour at most. He'd thought that Luke knew the way around his own land well enough that they wouldn't end up getting lost like this.

By the time they actually found what they'd come for, Jan was about ready to tear his hair out. 

When he saw Luke's expression brighten and saw him rush over to the quest bed, Jan felt the rage that had been building in him start to fade. They'd made it. This trip was going to be worth it. Thank god.

He followed Luke, stopping just short of the actual bed. It wasn't his own, so he figured he should probably keep his hands off.

He noted to himself that calling these things "quest beds" was a massive fucking lie. This wasn't a bed, it was a giant slab of stone. An ugly one too, gross bright orange with a big yellow sun in the middle. Seriously, who designed this shit?

As long as it did its job, Jan supposed he couldn't complain too much. It wasn't like he was even the one who was supposed to use it, so it didn't matter too much to him.

Speaking of which, Luke had taken his place on it and had his knife in hand.

"So, this is it." He mused, turning the weapon around in his hands. "All I have to do is die here, and I'll achieve godhood."

"Yeah. Pretty sweet deal, huh?" Jan was honestly kind of jealous. He wished he could become a god.

Well, he supposed he could. All he had to do was find his own quest bed. He wasn't really looking forward to a repeat of this whole complicated mess though, so that would have to wait.

"I'd say so, yes." Luke agreed, but didn't seem to have the same level of enthusiasm as Jan. In fact, he seemed more hesitant than anything.

At the look Jan gave him, he sighed. "To be completely honest, I'm a bit nervous."

"Why's that?"

"Well, what if it doesn't work?" Luke explained. "What if I just... die, and that's the end of it?"

"That won't happen, it'll work." Jan responded almost before Luke could finish talking.

"You seem very sure about that." 

More forceful than actually sure, but whatever. Same thing. "Well, why wouldn't it work? Everything else in this game seems like complete horseshit, but it all works just fine." Not to mention that Luke wouldn't be the first person in their session to reach god tier. The first in Millennium? Sure, but overall there were plenty of people who had already successfully god tiered.

"You make a good point." Luke admitted, tension eased ever so slightly. "I can't say I expected to live past entering the game in the first place, but here we are now."

"Yeah, see. So this'll be just fine." The possibility of the process not working had Jan feeling kinda shaken up. He hoped he was doing a good job at hiding it.

When Luke hesitated a bit more, an idea crossed Jan's mind. "You know... I could do it."

Luke just looked confused at that. "Do what?"

"Man, you know. I could kill you." Now that he was saying it out loud it sounded sorta crazy, but he couldn't back out now. "I mean, offing yourself doesn't seem like a great way to go, even if you're just gonna come back. So, I'm just saying, if you don't wanna do it..." God, he sounded like such a pussy right now. If you're gonna offer to kill someone, you should at least sound confident about it.

He was tempted to go on, explain how getting shot would be a quicker death than stabbing yourself or whatever, but he'd probably said enough.

A hint of a smile appeared on Luke's face. "Thank you, Jan."

Wait, for real? Luke was gonna just let him do that? Well, okay.

Jan cracked open his strife specibus and whipped out his own weapon. 

Before he could even take aim, Luke spoke up again. "Thank you, _but-_ No thanks. I think I can handle it."

Oh. Well, Jan didn't need to be told no twice. He put his gun away and rested his hands in his pockets. "'Kay, so... See you in like a minute then, I guess?" 

"Of course." Luke managed to actually seem confident as he raised the blade to his neck. "You'll hardly even notice I was gone."

After that, it happened really fast. In one precise motion, Luke slashed his throat, collapsing onto the slab and painting his white suit blood red.

Jan flinched back, covering his eyes and barely managing to hold back a scream.

He did so in a completely dignified and non-cowardly manner, of course. He wasn't scared or anything like that, just startled is all.

Still, that wasn't an image he was gonna get out of his head any time soon. Fuck, why did he decide to watch? Should've just turned away or something, it's not like Luke would've judged.

As time passed he grew more and more unnerved. He tried telling himself that he had no reason to feel that way, that Luke was gonna be _fine._ This game was overly complicated and made no sense and forced them to do ridiculous shit, but it didn't lie. If the rules said that this would work, then it would.

Unless they did it wrong somehow. But, that seemed kind of impossible. There was literally only one step here, it seemed pretty hard to screw up. As long as your dream self was still alive then there was no reason for this to fail.

That's what the smart people on their team said, at least. And they knew the game better than Jan, so he had no reason not to believe them.

However, knowing that didn't make waiting any less stressful. God damn, how long did this whole process take? 

Jan risked peeking between his fingers, and-

Oh. Well, shit.

There Luke was, alive and well. 

And wearing the ugliest thing Jan had ever seen. Getting a sick new outfit to prove you'd reached the god tier was cool in theory, but why did the colors have to match the quest bed? Someone who actually cared about fashion would probably kill a person on sight for wearing that shit.

That detail didn't matter right now, though. What mattered was that his brother was alive, and was absolutely going to stay that way.

\----------

Jan was in a bit of a bind.

Okay, that was a lie. It was way more than just that. Jan was completely fucked.

One minute he was just on his land, messing around. Killing imps, considering getting some quests done. You know, just generally having a good time.

The next minute, he was all fucked up and dying.

He'd gotten too reckless. Which wasn't exactly an uncommon occurrence for him, but usually the consequences weren't this bad. Usually he'd just end up with a few scrapes and scuffs, and maybe have someone yelling at him. 

This was a little worse than that, to put it lightly. 

He'd basically been cut wide open. He had to use one of his arms to slow the bleeding (God, the bleeding. There was so much fucking blood) and to make sure his internal organs _stayed_ internal.

This made it a bit hard to defend himself. Which was kind of a problem, there were still plenty of enemies scattered across his land. 

That wasn't to say he had no means of self defense, he just had to downgrade. His usual weapons of choice (The Custom Penis-90 and the Cocket Launcher. Which were both perfectly respectable weapons, thank you very much) were two handed. He had to go back to one of his puny, one handed guns.

On top of this, he could barely manage to walk. He suspected if it weren't for the adrenaline still coursing through his system, he'd be doubled over and crying like a bitch. The pain hadn't quite hit him at first, but now that he'd had time to process what had happened, god _damn_ it hurt. 

As he was though, he was managing. He was moving at a snail's pace and every step made him want to scream, but he was fucking doing it.

To be completely honest though, he was kind of freaking out. 

This was the most hurt he'd ever been, and that was saying something. More than once while he was dragging himself around, it occurred to him that he could actually die. Like for real. The wound he was dealing with seemed pretty fatal.

And, that wasn't exactly a comforting thought, you know? He didn't wanna just drop dead in the middle of god knows where, to possibly never be found.

He wondered if the others would even notice he was gone. 

Well, obviously they would. With as much as he bugged each of them, it would be hard not to notice the sudden lack of him around.

More accurately, he wondered if any of them would care. Luke, maybe. Other than that, they'd probably be more glad than anything. He mostly just got in the way. He suspected he was part of the reason why they were having so much difficulty with this game in the first place. He never actually wanted to do what was needed to make progress or advance, mostly just dicking around on his own. 

He barely even paid attention to his client player, they'd needed to practically beg him to build their house up and even then he'd half-assed it, focusing more on what he thought would be cool or funny rather than taking any sort of practicality into account. If nobody else, they'd definitely be happy to see him go.

God. These thoughts really weren't helping. Breathing was already hard enough when he wasn't working himself into a panic.

He needed to distract himself. How, though? What could he possibly do that wouldn't just end up wasting what little time he had left?

He could pester someone, that's what. That way he could keep moving while taking his mind off things. Sure, he'd have to put his gun away to do it, but whatever. That was fine.

Who to pester, though? The first person that came to mind was Luke, but... no. He didn't want his brother to worry about him, and there was no way he'd be able to just not mention the current state he was in.

Well, that left him with only one real option. As far as he was concerned, at least.

illegitimateDegenerate [ID] began pestering lifetimeAchievement [LA] .

ID: hey doc  
ID: doc  
ID: you there?  
ID: no?  
ID: or are you just ignoring me cause i guess thatd be fair  
ID: i mean still fuck you if you are but i guess i cant blame you  
ID: doc  
ID: seriously come on  
ID: doc  
ID: or is it dok?  
ID: which spelling is right?  
ID: does it even matter?  
ID: doc  
ID: dok  
ID: doc  
ID: dok  
LA: What?  
ID: oh hey  
LA: Did you need something?  
ID: actually yeah  
ID: i got a question  
ID: its kinda time sensitibe  
ID: senstitive  
ID: fuck  
ID: sensitive   
ID: there we go  
ID: actually nvm senstitive works hehe  
LA: Just spit it out  
ID: yeah ok  
ID: so  
ID: how much blood is in the human body?  
LA: ...What?  
ID: what do you mean what  
ID: i was pretty clear wasnt i  
ID: oh also how many of your organs are you usually supposed to be able to see?  
ID: just the skin right?  
LA: Are you okay?  
LA: What's going on?  
ID: wow youre really bad at this  
ID: youre not supposed to answer a question with another quwstion  
ID: stupid  
LA: Jan  
ID: dman okay fine  
ID: so i was on my land just minding my own business you know  
ID: killing imps and shit you know how it is  
ID: and one of em kinda   
ID: got me  
ID: got me pretty good too lke damn  
ID: bloods getting everywjere  
ID: which is why im typing like a fucking invalid btw   
ID: shits getting all over my hands and screen and making it really hard to see   
ID: or maybe its hard to see cause blood loss is fucking my vision up who knwos  
LA: Where are you right now?  
ID: i just said im on my land  
ID: christ do you peope ever actually read what i say   
ID: shits like talking to a wall sometimes i swear  
ID: anyway dont worry about it i got it taken care of  
ID: im defiently gonna die but i got a plan  
ID: im gonna fidn my thing  
ID: you know  
ID: the god bed  
LA: Quest bed?  
ID: yeah that thanks  
LA: Are you sure that's a good idea? You sound like you're in serious condition, you shouldn't be exerting yourself  
LA: Especially for a goal you might not even be able to achieve. Do you even know where your quest bed is?  
LA: Don't answer that, I know you don't  
ID: so what  
ID: its on my land and im on my land  
ID: if i walk aroind long enough ill find it eventually  
LA: Jan  
LA: Be smart about this  
ID: asking a lot of me  
LA: If you just leave your land and come to mine, I could fix you up  
LA: That way you'll be fine and won't have to risk your life   
ID: god that soinds awesome  
ID: but i cant  
ID: like actually cant  
ID: im kinda lost  
ID: i dont revognize where im at   
ID: so i dont know how to get back  
ID: so i got nowhere to fo but forward   
LA: That's... Not good  
ID: yeah no shit  
ID: but its fine  
ID: cause like i said  
ID: i got a plan  
ID: im gonna becoem a god and then ill never have to worry about dying ever again  
LA: Being God Tier doesn't mean that you can't die, Jan  
LA: It just means that you can come back from the dead, and that you're extremely difficult to permanently kill   
ID: oh  
ID: thats fucking stupid but okay  
ID: either way itll solve my problem  
ID: assiming i can even find it i mean  
ID: jesus i am lost   
ID: hey maybe you could send someone out here just in case i keel over before findinf it  
ID: they could do the corpse smooch thing and then id come back  
ID: actually youre not busy now right why dont you come do it  
ID: out of everyone on the team i really wouldnt mind you manhandling my crospe ;)  
ID: actually ew nevermind   
ID: like no offense to you or anything dont get me wrong  
ID: i just literally dont have neough blood in me to get hard rn   
LA: Why would I take offense?   
LA: Why would you even say any of that? I'm not sure whether I should be concerned or disturbed   
LA: So I'm just going to ignore the implications of all that and move on  
LA: As great of an idea as that is in theory, I doubt it would work  
LA: If you don't even know where exactly you are, then it would be exceedingly difficult for anyone else to find you  
ID: so basically what youre saing is  
ID: if i die then thats it  
LA: Essentially, yes  
ID: shit  
ID: okay  
ID: guess i better haul ass then   
ID: ive been walking for ages i have to be close by now   
LA: No offense, but why are you still messaging me?  
LA: Not that I have a problem with it, but wouldn't it be better to just focus on what you're doing instead of going out of your way to respond to me?  
LA: You've acknowledged, many times, that you're actively dying. The most important thing right now is for you to find your quest bed, preferably with as few distractions as possible

Jan was still responding for the same reason he'd started talking in the first place, obviously. He was scared. He felt like at any second he might collapse and just bleed out, and he didn't want to acknowledge that possibility. But he didn't have much choice in the matter, cause if he didn't think about it then he couldn't do anything about it.

But, as long as he could still talk to people, then that meant he was fine. For the time being, at least. He was okay enough to think and formulate words and be coherent, and as long as he could do that, it meant he wasn't quite dying yet. It meant he could keep going for a little while longer, which in turn meant that he might just have a chance to save himself.

Of course, Jan wasn't about to just say any of that. Letting people actually know about his feelings? That was some pussy shit.

That, and he wasn't sure how to put all that into words.

ID: mind your fucming business i can do what i want   
ID: and right now i guess i wanna talk to you   
ID: not sure why honestly you kinda got a stick yp your ass right now  
ID: but its what i want and you cant stop me  
ID: uness you block me i guess   
ID: please dont block me  
LA: I'm not going to block you  
LA: Just don't let me distract you, alright?  
ID: sweet okay  
ID: dont worry ill keep my eye on the ball  
ID: and you know im serious right now cause i didnt even turn that into a joke  
LA: Your restraint is commendable   
LA: But don't feel like you have to hold out on dirty jokes for my sake   
LA: Honestly as long as you focus on staying alive, you can say just about whatever you want   
ID: oh cool  
ID: in that case i wont hold out  
ID: ill put out instead hehe  
LA: Very nice  
ID: thanks it took like all my brain power to think og  
ID: i take my sex jokes very seriously you know   
ID: shits like a full time job you have no idea   
ID: every day my brain cells are in a frency trying to think of the perfectly times dick joke for any situation   
ID: i cum in and i cock into my long shift at the penis factory  
ID: and only after a long and hard day of work am i allowed to rest   
ID: are you getting this am i making sense   
LA: Shaft   
ID: what  
LA: Cock into your long shaft at the penis factory  
ID: dude   
ID: fuck you youre not allowed to be finnier than me  
ID: youre just a dumb scientist anyway what do you know about cock  
LA: More than you, obviously   
ID: wow so you're calling me a virgin  
ID: resorting to bullying now  
LA: Just calling it how I see it

They went back and forth like that for a while. Jan learned that Doc apparently had a lot of dick jokes in him, if he was in the right mood for that sort of thing. He made sure to point this out, of course insinuating that jokes weren't the only variety of dick that Doc had in him.

It helped a lot, actually. It was hard to stay freaked out when you were busy competing with someone, trying to one-up each other's innuendos and shit. 

Jan was almost tempted to just ignore his situation completely. Just sit down and focus all his attention on his conversation with Doc. He didn't though, because he'd promised specifically to not do that.

Also cause he still didn't wanna die, and if he sat down he undoubtedly wouldn't be getting back up.

He was pretty sure he was fucked. He wasn't gonna make it, and eventually his body was just gonna give out.

He was almost okay with it at this point, though. Almost. The thought of dying was still terrifying, but if this went on then he'd at least be happy when he went out. 

Doc was doing a good service right now, it was kind of like when you gave a dog a treat before taking it out back and shooting it. Except that comparison didn't really work at all, since Doc wasn't the one killing him. But Jan didn't really care, it was good enough. 

He was almost completely resigned to his fate, and then he saw it.

Well, he wasn't quite sure at first, since it just looked like a big purple blur in the distance. But when he thought about it, this had to be it. Purple was a pretty flashy color, and this was the only thing he'd seen yet that had that color.

He put his phone away and focused all his attention on running. Or, the closest thing he could do to running. Which was just a sort of pathetic little hobble, but whatever.

Jan Valentine wasn't dying today, motherfuckers. He was gonna live to see another day, and then he was gonna live forever. 

Assuming god tiers didn't age, that is. He considered asking Luke about that sort of thing, then realized doing so would be really stupid. No way Luke had been in god mode long enough to know the answer to that yet.

He made his way to his quest bed as fast as he could, and once he was almost there, he was faced with a pretty huge obstacle.

Stairs. Why the fuck did he have to climb a set of stairs to get to this thing? How was that fair? 

He really wasn't sure if he could manage this. Just walking was hard enough, the fact that he was still able to stand without leaning on something was a miracle. And now he was expected to _climb?_ This was so fucked up.

That was quitter talk though, and Jan was no quitter. Of course he could do this. It would be grueling, and bloody, and he might end up tripping and spilling a few of his organs, but at the end of the day he wasn't gonna die til he got on that damn bed.

So, he did what he had to do. He cursed paradox space and god and whatever else might be in charge of his fate while doing it. It was every bit as awful as he'd expected, and by the time he dragged himself onto the stone slab, he was barely holding onto consciousness.

Once he'd made it, he figured there was no reason to keep clinging to life and all that, and celebrated by just letting himself pass out.

The whole process was a lot like just falling asleep. Except when he woke up, instead of feeling like shit and like he'd barely rested at all, he felt better than he'd felt in his entire life. He felt awesome. Powerful.

Fuck yes. Now he could see why everyone else in the session made such a big deal out of this whole god tier thing. 

While he was busy reveling in how great he felt, he realized he'd left Doc hanging for a while. Poor guy was probably worried. Better let him know that Jan was still alive.

ID: no need to worry im okay  
ID: whats that? you werent worried? well i don't fucking care   
LA: I was worried, though  
ID: shut the fuck up  
ID: i have good news   
LA: Oh  
LA: Okay, I'm listening  
ID: the thief is here  
ID: time to make this game my bitch


End file.
